Defeated, But Still Victorious

Samuel M. Boney

Feeling Defeated

I’ve gone through way too much in my life. I’m so worn out physically and mentally that I feel defeated. Long talks with God about why bad thing happen to me has taught me a few things that I want to share.

Chronic pain has always been a major thorn in my side since coming home from the Iraq war in 2005. Over the past thirteen years the pain has only gotten worse, not better. It started out with the occasional  pain in my mid- back and then my knees. Over time it’s progressed and after extensive tests the VA Hospital diagnosed me with deteriorating disc disease with mild scoliosis in my lower spin as well as osteoarthritis in my knees.

For the past few months my knees have hurt so bad that I can only take the stairs one at a time because of the crunching pain that shoots through my knees when I bend them.

I’m thirty-four with the knees of a 60 year old.


I can’t run or work out anymore, I can barely walk . The less I move throughout the day, the less burning I have to deal with inside my knee. It feels like an itchy, burning scab over a wound. walk. I wear knee braces every time I leave the house or I’ll end up having to take baby steps from the agonizing pain.

Last night, after a very active day, I had to crawl up and down the stairs. After doing this twice I started to feel depressed. I gave in to the pain and sat down on the stairs defeated. Memories of me at my best running and lifting weights started running through my head. I used to be able to march, jump and bound while carrying 100+ pounds of gear easily.

“How did I get here?” I asked silently, tears from defeat and pain swelled up within my eyes.


After a few minutes of being in darkness, a scripture from the old testament in The Bible came to mind that helped snap me back to reality.  In Genesis 32 verses 22-29 after Jacob wrestles with God all night, God touched Jacobs hip, permanently crippling him.

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

Even after all his fighting with God, God still blessed him because Jacob had all faith in God even after he crippled him. God even gave Jacob the name Israel because he was an overcomer of Gods and humans.

I began to realize that the pain I have came from my unwillingness to give up on what I wanted in life and not doing what I was created to do. I’ve fought God my whole life, the enemy has constantly attacked  me since I was born.

“Maybe going into the military wasn’t what God wanted for me and I fought with him on the front line in Najaf. All of my ailments stem from the war in Iraq.”

God’s Love

My faith in God has made my life better. Even through all the pain, he has systematically surrounded me with love so that I won’t lose my faith in him and that love pushes me to be my best at all times just as he did for Jacob.

I might not be able to walk right because of painful knees, but I know that God has blessed me because of the calm in my life. He is literally polishing me, making me better so that I can shine to be a guiding light for others.

I will never be defeated.




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62 comments on “Defeated, But Still Victorious

  1. Thank you for your service! I commend you for staying encouraged and victorious. I am praying for you and hope that relief comes your way soon.

  2. good reminder to always stay positive and strong <3

  3. Thank you for your service. My father was a combat medic as well. This was a really uplifting story man! Continue to let God use you more people need to read this when life has them down.

  4. It is so encouraging going through personal trials, darkness, depression, and whatever comes our way but getting out of it. It’s important to feel encouraged by our struggles having faith that God will help us through it. We are never alone. Thank you for your service and thank you for this post. 🙂

  5. Thank you for your service. It is hard when you are in chronic pain I can relate. Take one day at a time and heal your body with therapy.

  6. horsecowmeow

    I know you’re probably not looking for advice, but have you considered magnesium supplements?

  7. Thank you for your service … and for your continued service to others by sharing your stories, struggles and triumphs.

  8. Thank you for sharing! I’m going to share on all my social media platforms!

  9. Thank you for your service! 🙂 I pray you find strength and relief.

  10. I used to work a public policy research center and veterans’ issues were one of the subjects we raised awareness about: Your strength and courage to serve our country, then continuing to move forward everyday despite your pain, is incredible. Thank you for your service and sharing your story!

  11. First of all, thank you for your service. My husband was in the Navy for 8 years and I appreciate everyone who does that for our country. Stay positive and stay strong!

  12. The Lord will always keep you and carry you through. Thank you for your post.

  13. Sorry to hear about your pain. Thank you for your service. Hope writing as long as prayer and other activities still brings your joy. Praying the pain gets better soon.

  14. What a touching blog. Your positivity is an inspiration.

  15. Thank you for your service. God does not give more than what people can handle. I great piece of your story is that your are still here and you are a live testimony. May the Lord keep blessing you.

  16. Thank you SO MUCH for your service and sharing your stories. Hopefully it helps others who have served for us.

  17. I’m speechless…that was truly a beautiful testimony.

  18. Thanking for such a great article

  19. What an inspiring story! May God continue to bless you with positivity. May he help you deal with the pain. Best wishes!

  20. I feel sad, because that is what war do to people, inocent people :/ I hope you will get better, I love how you stay positive about life, it is very encouraging 🙂 Love your blog

  21. It is so encouraging going through personal trials, darkness, depression, and whatever comes out, and thanks for your service !

  22. what a brave man you are!

  23. Thank you for your service and proud of you for staying positive and strong!

  24. The God who you serve will continue to uphold you and strength you. You are a conqueror.

  25. Can’t wait for more from you and your new partner!

  26. Great post. one need to have a fighting spirit in life

  27. Wow. Your faith is very inspiring. And thank you for your service. ❤️

  28. Thank you, always, for your service. Keep being surrounded by love and stay positive xx

  29. Pingback: Panicked - Not in My Vocabulary - Combat Medic

  30. It’s always a joy to read what you have to say, I love that you turn to scriptures, having faith is paramount to enduring in this world. Keep your head up!

  31. Thanks for your service and am gonna share this in my friends

  32. I hope things will get better for you.

  33. maryosadolor

    God is the author and finisher of our lives. He alone knows all. I love how you inspired us by telling us directly or indirectly that God is polishing us for greater and better things in life. Thanks.

  34. Thank you for sharing, this is truly inspiring. I pray your knees get better.

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